Life Comes At You Fast
by FlowerofAdversity
Summary: A story done for my own amusment based on the Nationwide commercials I've seen.


Life Comes At You Fast

Note: A fan-fiction done for my own amusement. After losing against the Xiaolin Monks, Jack is forced to look for work. Sadly, despite his massive intelligence, he is hired at the local McGreasy's (will not mention actual fast food proprietor's names for fear of being sued) and longs for better things. Still in ghostly form, Wuya "cheers" him on.

"Believe me, I didn't choose this line of work. You think the powers that be would place me in a better position more suited to my immense intelligence."—Unknown

"Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving."—Einstein

Chapter 1—Do You Want Fries With That ?

Jack was cackling madly as he stood amongst the defeated Wulin Warriors and the forces that were too weak to stop his world conquest. Wuya, his ever present (but fickle) friend, stood by his side, congratulating him.

"I knew one day the world would crumble at your feet, Jack. You were always my favorite, and I always believed you could do it. I never doubted you for a second !", she said, hugging him close and kissing his cheek. He had found himself ruling over the entire world as its self-imposed king, and everything he saw before him belonged to him and no one else. All that saw him bowed before him, or they were banished to his massive dungeon, forced to become slaves that worked on repairs for the robots that had worn down, or guards to watch over his massive collection of Shen Gong Wu.

Suddenly, an ear piercing scream brought him back to reality.

"Jack, these people are about to start _eating_ each other. Please just give them their order. The line's backing up !", Wuya complained as she flailed her squid-like appendages frantically. Jack snapped out of his dream world and remembered what had actually occurred. It was the Wulin Warriors that had beaten _him_ during the final battle. He could only wonder what Chase was doing now after they had been separated. He too had to look for work. It couldn't be anything worse than McGreasy's, could it ?

The customers were beginning to complain. Jack, as much as he was a whiner in the past, _loathed_ to hear the sound of someone whining.

"Keep your SHIRTS on !", he bellowed as he served them all quickly and efficiently. He had made certain that all his customers were taken care of.

"Thank you and come again soon.", he said, in a mockingly sincere tone after they had turned their backs. The manager that had stood behind him, sneaked up on him and placed a tough grip on his shoulder.

"Good job, Spicer. I know lunch is like a zoo around here but you caught on quickly. Pretty soon, I might be passing down my hallowed headset to you. But, not too soon. You'll have to work your way up if you wanna be a manager.", the manager Mr. Nesbit said, with a bit of a patronizing tone.

Jack didn't want to work for McGreasy's for the rest of his life, but for now it was a job, one that didn't pay well, but nonetheless, a place to work and with the paycheck he could catch up with DVD series that he had grown up with on Ebay or through his perks by going to the local Best Buy. After his series were completed, he would begin saving money, start living on his own, and return to college to start working in the field of robotics _professionally_ for a change.

Chapter 2—Papa Bomb's

While Jack was living the life of a servant at the local McGreasy's, Chase Young didn't have it much better. Every so often at Papa Bomb's he would see his cronies coming in to pick up pizza. It was a little embarrassing, if not mortifying to be seen in a submissive position taking _orders_ from someone else. Taking orders from another (especially a mortal) was not Chase's style. But he had to do this or he would probably be homeless. That was the last place he wished to be, particularly around any unsavory crazy-folk on the street.

It was Friday, the busiest pizza purchasing day of the week. Most of the time, Fridays went by very quickly and without any trouble. But today was one of those days where one thought they should've stayed in bed, or strapped down to the bed held down by leather straps, unable to get up whatsoever.

The lines were starting to back up and customers were beginning to become impatient. Some of the customers had little children with them that were becoming cranky. Chase could hear the sound of his sanity slipping away and snapping like a little piece of kindling.

"Would you _please_ shut that kid UP !", he bellowed, nearly breathing fire. He had to remember that he couldn't use magic like that on an every day job, but when his temper got the best of him, it was sometimes difficult to control. Oddly enough, the little kid had taken a liking to him and immediately ceased his wailing. But that wasn't the end of his troubles.

People were pushing and shoving in line to get their food on this particularly busy Friday night. The customers were becoming restless and becoming very irate. There were many of them shouting and screaming obscenities at Chase. Chase had already recovered from the lady and her little baby earlier in the evening, but he wasn't expecting the customers to become so violent. Not really wanting to tamper too much with the "no magic" clause that he would inevitably violate sooner or later, he cast a time-freezing spell to cook the pizzas as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, some of the orders were incorrect. In his haste, he had forgotten to read some of the recipes and many of the customers received the wrong kind of pizza. To make a long story short, soon after the hurry Chase made in creating the imperfect pizzas, many customers vowed they would never return to Papa Bomb's. The manager puzzled over whether he should keep his new employee or fire him. It was a mistake after all, but he had yelled in response to the customers' complaints and that wasn't a good trait. The manager, thinking upon it, slept on it for the night and later called Chase telling him not to make the same mistake again. And he hasn't, no matter how irate he becomes.

Chapter 3—Cruel Irony, yet Apropos

The other members of the Heylin such as Katnappe and Panda Bobba received jobs at the local zoo as zoo keepers. Both of them thought the job was demeaning and they certainly didn't care for the environment. All of the cats kept looking at Katnappe as if she was another big cat in the pen and all those big animals were competing for her attention. Being in costume and contradicting herself with pitiful attempts at saying,

"But, I'm a _human_. I don't condone inter-special relationships !" The cats just wanted to love her, but she wasn't interested. Bobba seemed to have the same problem, but so long as he kept the pandas entertained, they didn't care if he was even in the same cage along with them.

As for the other former Heylin, they found themselves in jobs they never thought they would be doing. Hannibal Roy Bean was working as a carnival attraction for wide-eyed spectators to come and view him in all his horrible-ness. It was worse than he ever imagined. Before long, he broke loose and found a different job as a spokesperson, erm, bean for appropriately enough, baked beans.

Chapter 4—Break From Monotony

While Jack was "moving up" in the world by saving his money to return to college, the rest of his cohorts were having difficulty keeping their sanity in check. One night, Chase had finally "snapped" so to speak once he had come home and finished counting all the stalactites in his cave. One more day at work and he would go completely crazy. He didn't want to seem desperate, but he had to talk to _someone_ about how he was feeling.

"Jack, are you awake ?", came a somewhat tense voice.

"Chase ? Is that you ?", Jack questioned, wondering why his teacher was calling him in the wee hours of the morning.

"Of course it is, you _dolt_ ! I am surprised the others haven't called you yet. I've been trying to get a hold of them, and I have been corresponding frequently with them. We are all trying our best to hold our sanity in place. But it has been hard. I'm sure you can understand, although you're working at McGreasy's part time.", Chase answered, with some irritation.

"So…why are you calling _me_ ?", Jack answered, equally as annoyed.

"I was thinking, you and me, and the entire gang could go on a holiday. You know, a trip to someplace far away from here. Jack, I think we all need a break. I know you're just about through with school, but I don't doubt you could get some time off and be back home before finals. I've already asked for some time off myself and the others too, are prepared for the tropical getaway that awaits us at your response. ", Chase said, sounding a bit flat and depressed. Jack had never heard Chase with this sort of tone and was worried Chase was losing his identity. He knew that if someone was forced to do something they didn't like for a certain amount of time without any breaks or proverbially "blowing off steam", they would inevitably snap.

"I should be alright. My record is flawless. I'll let the board know I will be off for a while. They shouldn't object.", Jack answered after thinking over what Chase had relayed to him.

"Oh, thank you whatever powers that be that you are.", Chase thought to himself about ready to lose it then and there. Yet, he had composed himself completely and was feeling so much more at ease since Jack had answered affirimatively.

"It's settled. Saturday, we begin our flight to the Caribbean. I'm bringing sunscreen. You should too. And no worries, if no one else brings bottled water, I'm taking along a whole _reservoir_ of purified water for us to drink while we're there.", Jack said. Jack was always the resourceful one, as well as the most prepared. Chase didn't find his preparedness this time. After all, they _were_ going on vacation.

Chapter 5—Sun, Sand, Girls in Bikinis

In a lawn-chair under a large white umbrella, Jack rested with a glass of fruit punch and a fantastic science fiction collection. He was getting involved in the story when his attention was quickly averted by Katnappe in a rather sexy yellow polka dot bikini. He was careful not to drool, so as not to appear Neanderthal and unruly. He couldn't just ignore his feelings any longer, though. He understood now why she wore the cat-suit as she usually had. Her figure was smoldering and his thoughts went into the gutter, but that was only because he had always had a liking for her.

Setting down his drink and book on a small table, Jack approached Katnappe, who was tentatively sticking her little toe into the sea. Jack grinned cheerily at her as he rushed into the surf crashing into the shore and shouted,

"I think the water's fine !", as a wave rose and engulfed him. She jumped back before the water even had the chance to hit her. Looking at Jack standing there subdued and spitting out some saltwater caused her to laugh heartily.

"How's the water now, Jack ?", she asked, still laughing so much her sides began to ache.

"Still, pleasant, _Kathryn_.", he said, sarcastically saying her real name. He knew she hated to hear her real name. In a mad rush, she came running at him and he threw her over his head easily into the ocean. She then washed up into the shore, some kelp stuck on her cheek. Now, it was Jack's turn to laugh uncontrollably. He was literally rolling in the sand and had to be careful not to breathe any sand down his throat from laughing too hard. She thought it was the perfect opportunity to pull him into the water as well and began splashing him rather playfully. Jack hadn't seen a playful side to her, except when she was distracted by a ball of yarn. She could be downright jovial when it came down to it. For the first time in a long time, Jack felt a sense of true peace and happiness. That was until Chase demanded a pina colada _pint_. Not being one to argue, Jack did as he was told.

Chapter 6—Tourists

Many people were surprised to see a humanoid panda walking about, sporting a aloha shirt and Bermuda shorts doing the same things humans did. Panda Bobba was snapping photos left and right at all the lush landscapes that he saw. Butterflies were in profusion everywhere he looked, but they wouldn't leave him alone. Getting irritated, he roared, sending all the butterflies in opposite directions. As he walked around the island until he came upon a souvenir store. The others were doing some shopping of their own until they finished the night at a local karaoke bar.

"I don't know how you talked me into this.", Hannibal grunted with some distaste. By request of the group, they had asked him to sing _I Will Survive_.

"This is idiotic ! How can you expect me, Hannibal Roy Bean to go through with this ?! You know I can't sing…Have Jack do it. He's got the Broadway quality voice.", Hannibal said. Only earlier had they all played "rock, paper, scissors" and he had lost the bet. Before the song started he stared at them all, muttering "I hate you" while covering the microphone. Lip readers could tell what he had said though. As he sang, the crowd burst into laughter, but that didn't keep him from stopping. By the time the song was finished, he was actually applauded. Despite the fact that his voice was more atrocious than nails scratching a chalkboard, he had been praised for his awful work. To be honest, the singing hadn't been so bad after all. What was ironic about the scene besides the singing bean (and no one in the bar noticed since half of the people were drunk, so it didn't really matter) was the group itself. Not one person seemed bothered by a sentient bean, a humanoid panda, a girl in a cat suit, a Goth boy with swirled goggles and a ghostly witch. Perhaps these things were common on the island, and even if they weren't it didn't really matter. They were having the time of their lives.

The group loathed returning to the cruise ship knowing that soon they would have to return to their lackluster jobs. Yet, they counted their blessings. They were glad to have work and to be living independently.

Epilogue 

With life returning to it's mundane pace; they wondered what the Xiaolin monks were doing in these days of goodwill and peace. There was still much upheaval in the world, but everyday people took care of matters such as that. With what had been waged in the past, it was a war of magic and elements, none that no normal person would comprehend unless they had been reared to understand folklore and taught the ways of mysticism and etcetera. Yet, the villains couldn't really complain. Their "punishments" hadn't been so awful. It was, after all, a way for them to regain stability in an unstable world albeit boring and dull at times. Even _they_ would do something beneficial for society from time to time, but they made certain their goodwill wasn't mentioned. After all, they had reputations to keep. Despite the fact that they were "villains", they had become rather upstanding citizens and were living their lives contributing to society and living normally. From time to time, events would become monotonous, but so long as the Heylin maintained close ties, matters never remained dull for long. With "war stories" they swapped about their jobs and the typical pizza night and arcade runs during the weekends, life remained exciting.

The End


End file.
